Akatsuki Road Trip: An Epic Adventure
by Recalcitrant Synonym
Summary: Leader-sama notices that none of the Akatsuki care when their teammates die. He sends them on a road trip to promote bonding and raise morale. Wacky hijinks ensue in a brief and pointless adventure starring everyone's favorite S-ranked missing-nin.
1. Chapter 1

A black minivan cruised down the wide, open stretch of highway. The wide sky was blue and cloudless, and seemed to portend that a cheerful day lay ahead.

A cheerful day did not lie ahead.

"Remind me again why we're taking a road trip instead of taking over the world?" sighed Sasori as he leaned his head on one elbow and stared mournfully out one of the van's side windows. He was seated in the left middle captain's seat, and his eyes were somewhat glazed over as he watched the scenery flash by.

"Because, danna," Deidara piped up from the back of the van, "Leader-sama noticed that none of us really cared when our fellow Akatsuki members died. He thought a road trip would be a good bonding opportunity, un."

Sasori spared a lethargic glance to the back seat, which Deidara was currently sharing with Hidan. Zetsu was in the right middle seat, because no one wanted to get too close to him. A brief frown passed across the puppeteer's face. "Where's Tobi? I thought he was back there with you."

"He's in the cooler," said Deidara with a nonchalant shrug.

"Funny," commented Sasori in a flat tone which held no trace of amusement.

"No, really, Sasori-danna. He's in the cooler."

"Who's in the cooler?" asked Kakuzu from the front seat.

"Food goes in the cooler," said Zetsu to himself in a quiet voice.

Sasori gave him a long look, then turned towards Kakuzu, whose eyes were fixed on the road ahead. "Tobi, apparently." He had to admit, it was a little surprising he hadn't noticed earlier. It _had _been rather quiet for the past few miles or so.

"Well, take him out. Only food goes in the cooler, otherwise someone's going to end up breaking it."

Deidara rolled his eyes in exasperation. "But Kakuzu, if we take him out, he'll start talking again!" The elder Akatsuki shot a glare into the rearview mirror, and made eye contact with the artist, who shrank down nervously into the collar of his coat. "Okay, okay, un," he relented with a sigh and twisted around in his seat, stretching awkwardly as he reached into the trunk to get the cooler lid open.

"Ow," muttered Hidan as Deidara's foot bumped against his leg.

The blond stopped fiddling with the cooler for a moment in order to shoot Hidan a scathing look. "Come on, that did _not_ hurt, un."

"How do you know? You're not the one who just got kicked in the fucking kneecap!"

"Quiet down back there," called Kakuzu, irritation beginning to show in his voice. "Besides Hidan, I thought you liked pain."

"Go to hell," groused the Jashinist, his pale face beginning to flush with anger. "Why do I have to sit in the back, anyways?"

"Food goes in the back," said Zetsu to himself in a quiet voice.

"Because I'm driving, and I want you as far away from me as possible," replied Kakuzu matter-of-factly.

"You heathen bastard!" yelled Hidan, lunging forward. However, he was jerked back abruptly, having forgotten the fact that his seatbelt had an emergency locking retractor that was designed to lock in place in case of sudden jolts. He was slammed back against the seat and spent the next minute or so trying to unlock it by feeding lengths of seatbelt webbing back into the retractor, swearing violently under his breath.

"That brings up an interesting point, Kakuzu," said Sasori, raising an eyebrow. "Why _are _you driving?"

"Because," he said, "Itachi is blind, Deidara would slobber all over the steering wheel, Hidan's immortality has given him remarkably poor risk-assessment skills, Tobi only has a driver's permit, and you and Zetsu are mentally unbalanced."

This pronouncement sparked a storm of protest.

"I am not blind," said Itachi in a flat voice, speaking up for the first time as he reached over and began throttling Kakuzu's headrest with a deadly intensity.

"I would _not _slobber on the steering wheel!" Deidara cried over his shoulder, flushing a bright pink.

"And I thought we were all mentally unbalanced," said Sasori.

"Speak for yourself, asshole," Hidan scowled. He was still trying to get loose from the confines of his seatbelt.

"Anyways, what about Kisame?" Sasori continued, pointedly ignoring Hidan's remark.

Kakuzu shook his head. "No, he's still on the roof, remember?"

"Wait...why is Kisame on the roof?" asked Itachi in a voice of mild bemusement, finally releasing his death grip on the headrest. He hadn't noticed until this point that his partner was missing.

"Food goes on the roof," said Zetsu to himself in a quiet voice.

"I told him there was no room for Samehada inside the car, but when I tried to get him to put it up on the luggage rack he refused to be separated from it. So he's up on the roof," explained Kakuzu briskly.

As if on cue, there was a series of abrupt knocks on the sun roof. Itachi reached up and felt around on the ceiling for a moment before finally hitting the right button. The sun roof slid open, revealing a rather wind-blown Kisame.

"Was somebody talking about me, Itachi-san?" he asked, having to raise his voice over the sound of air rushing past the van. He was splayed out flat across the roof, clinging to the luggage rack for dear life. Samehada's hilt was just visible at his side.

"Yes, Kisame. I was wondering why you were on the roof," said Itachi, his voice flat and emotionless as usual.

Kisame merely grinned impishly in response, revealing his large, pointed teeth. "The view's better. Not to mention the company."

"That reminds me," said Kakuzu, without looking up from the road, "you'd better not scratch the paint job while you're up there."

"Nobody's going to be standing around evaluating the paint job on our fucking roof," said Hidan rather scornfully.

Kakuzu took one hand off the steering wheel long just enough to send it shooting back two rows. It punched Hidan in the eye before Kakuzu used his sinewy tentacles to retract and attach it once again. He never once turned around.

"Asshole! You just ruined my facial symmetry, and then stuck me in the back so I couldn't retaliate, you cheating fuck!" Hidan clutched at the eye which had already begun to swell, spewing a stream of violent obscenities.

"A scratch on the roof will make it harder to sell this thing once we're done with it," Kakuzu explained with a casual wave of his now attached hand, completely ignoring Hidan.

"You seriously think we call sell this piece of crap, un?" asked Deidara's muffled voice. He was leaned so far back into the trunk that only his legs were visible over the edge of the seat.

"I can sell anything."

"Really," said Sasori skeptically. "This was the most decrepit van in the lot. Who would buy it, anyways?"

"We did," observed Zetsu quietly.

"It was the second most decrepit van in the lot!" said Kakuzu defensively. "The other one had worse mileage, so it would have ended up costing more with gas taken into consideration."

There was a brief moment of silence. Sasori had just opened his mouth to make a reply when his thoughts were interrupted by a click. This was followed by a high-pitched voice's delighted cry. "Deidara-senpai!"

"No, Tobi, don't!" Deidara yelled in a voice that was almost panicky.

Sasori and Hidan twisted around in their seats, looking quizzical. They were just in time to see Deidara's feet disappearing over the top of the seat as he lost his balance and landed in the trunk with a loud thud and much cursing.

"What's going on in there?" asked Kisame, quirking an eyebrow as he peered down into the interior of the van. Itachi replied with a wordless shrug.

Sasori was craning his neck around the seat for a better view, but when Deidara reemerged momentarily from the trunk, he recoiled sharply in horror. The artist's bangs were spilling across his face, and his stiff ponytail was pointing out in all directions. "Someone appears to have replaced your hair with a mangled woodchuck," the puppeteer observed stoically after a moment of recovery.

"Woodchuck," repeated Zetsu quietly to himself.

A murderous look was plastered across the visible portions of Deidara's face. However, his rage, when it manifested itself, was not directed at Sasori. "Tobi! Why did you try and hug me when I was hanging over the seat, un, you dipshit!" he yelled. Kisame coughed loudly, trying to stifle a snort of laughter.

"Keep it down!" snapped Kakuzu.

"Sorry, Deidara-senpai..." came the bright reply. Tobi's orange mask popped up into view above the top of the backseat as the Akatsuki's newest recruit clambered out of the cooler. "Tobi had better buckle his seatbelt now, though. Tobi adheres to seatbelt laws. Tobi is a good boy!"

"Yeah, well there's no fucking way Tobi is sitting next to me," said Hidan, curling his lip. "He flails."

Deidara shook his head. "Newest member gets the middle back seat, un. That's the rules and you know it."

"Food goes in the middle back seat," said Zetsu quietly to himself.


	2. Chapter 2

Sasori had turned back around to face forward once again. He folded his arms across his chest with a long, drawn-out sigh.

Suddenly there was a blast of noise which sent the Akatsuki clutching at their ears and yelping in protest—with the exception of Zetsu, whose large, leaf-like jaws snapped shut protectively. Itachi's knee had bumped against the "On/Off" button on the radio, which was now blasting at top volume.

"Turn it off," begged Kisame, shouting over the din. He still needed both his hands to cling to the luggage rack, and was thus unable to cover his ears. Kakuzu was in a similar predicament, until he detached his ears, muffling them in his cloak.

Itachi felt blindly around the controls, searching for the "On/Off" button, the volume, anything which might get rid of the horrible screeching static noise which flooded from the van's speakers. After almost a full minute, he somehow managed to turn the radio off. His fellow passengers flopped back onto the seats, uncovering their ears with sighs of vexation.

"Why does Itachi get the front seat, anyways? It's not like he can enjoy the view, un," groused Deidara after a moment. Tobi had wedged his way in between Hidan and the disgruntled artist, and was humming contentedly to himself.

Without turning around, Itachi held up a hand and flipped Deidara off. The latter had just allowed a smirk to spread across his face when he froze abruptly.

Kisame sighed. "Itachi-san, putting him in a genjutsu probably isn't the best way for you two to start off a road trip."

"Food goes in a genjutsu," said Zetsu quietly to himself, peering out between the edges of his green jaws.

The normally impassive Uchiha allowed himself just the hint of a malicious smile. "He should have known better than to look. After all, one finger is all it takes."

Deidara was staring straight ahead without blinking, his hair still in a state of disarray. An expression of horror was fixed on his face, and drops of sweat were beginning to form on his temple, just below his forehead protector.

Hidan looked nervously from Deidara to Itachi and back. "What the hell did you do to him?"

"He's trapped in a room with one thousand Tobi clones, all of which are trying to give him hugs."

At this response, Sasori actually grinned for once. He knew how much the doting attentions and friendly overtures of their masked teammate mortified Deidara. The Jashinist, however, merely shuddered, and stared at the back of Itachi's seat in dread before quickly lowering his eyes.

"Tobi is confused," said Tobi cheerfully.

Suddenly, Deidara slumped forward, gasping like a fish in air. Shoving his bangs out of his eyes, he wiped his face on the sleeve of his cloak and glared murderously at Itachi. "Smirk now you arrogant bastard, un. You still don't know where I planted my latest C4 creation."

Itachi looked up through the sunroof at Kisame and rolled his eyes. On the rare occasion when he did feel inclined to display emotion, this was more often than not how it manifested itself.

"He still doesn't get it, does he, Itachi-san?" asked the shark-nin with a sigh. "That you can see his chakra, I mean."

Itachi shook his head. "He seems to think that there's a correlation between the frequency with which he swears vengeance and the competence he displays in his schemes against me."

Kisame paused for a moment, deep in concentration, then grimaced. "Too many long words, Itachi-san."

"Will a hug cheer up Deidara-senpai?" asked Tobi earnestly. The blond spun around will an enraged roar and promptly started to throttle him, shaking him violently back and forth.

"Oy, watch the flailing!" yelped Hidan, shielding his already-damaged face from Tobi's windmilling arms.

"Do not make me stop this car," bellowed Kakuzu, his voice carrying over the racket in the back seat.

There was almost a full minute of silence. Then, Deidara yelled "Katsu!"

Everyone jumped. Kakuzu jerked the steering wheel, nearly causing Kisame to tumble off the roof of the van. Other than that, nothing happened. Deidara burst out laughing.

"What the fuck was that?" yelled Hidan, unsuccessfully taking a swipe at him. Sasori and Itachi had both twisted around in their seats and were shooting deadly glares in the blond's direction.

Deidara took a moment to calm down as his fish-like gasps slowed enough to allow him to speak. He opened his mouth with a gleam in his eye—the same gleam which always seemed to precede a particularly witty prank or pun. However, Deidara's clever remark was to remain forever unspoken as he was interrupted.

"That was pretty scary, Senpai."

The blond turned reluctantly to glare at Tobi. "What do you want now?"

Tobi shook his head and replied brightly. "Oh, nothing. I'm just saying, that was a really scary trick you did. When you yelled 'katsu.' I wet myself."

Hidan and Deidara gave simultaneous yelps of panic and began trying desperately to distance themselves from the culprit wedged tightly in between them. Howls of "Pull over! Pull over!" blasted through the van to the front seat, where Kakuzu rolled his eyes.

"Food wets itself," Zetsu crooned under his breath. Sasori curled his lip and shot the plant-nin a look of distaste.


End file.
